Dad’s birthday wishes started to sound urgent this year:

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My dad and I were talking about colonoscopies on Skype. In the midst of all seriousness, he suddenly went off topic:
Dad: it is very uncomfrotable
Dad: But can find cancer in the initial stage
Me: oh yeah, i heard it’s painful. i think it’s called a colonoscopy
Dad: any girl show you …hole?
Dad: girl friend
Dad: yes
Dad: any …?
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“Have you heard about the wine flu!? It’s already in Mexico, California, and Texas. Don’t drink alcohol.”
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I was arguing with my dad:
me: You don’t understand!
dad: Y’all don’t understand! Oh hot damn!
me: What?
dad: In the ayer, ayer, ayer!
me: Okay..
dad: What does ‘ayer’ mean in teenager lingo anyways?
me: Just don’t ever say that again…
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My dad is a pastor so I emailed him this funny quote on sermons…
Me: Hi dad, here’s a funny quote i found regarding sermons.
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.”
- George Burns
He then replied with…
Dad: Jake,
The secret of a good student is to have a good start and a good graduation, then having the two as close together as possible saving time and money.
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I was driving on the 91 and the hills are covered in flowers:
Dad: wow! so beautiful! what a feast…
Me: what?
Dad: you know… feasting my eyes. what you never heard that?
Me: where did you learn that?
Dad: oh-oh-seven. you know james bond? i watch at uncle’s house. bond says that to women: what a feast for my eyes!
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My younger sister tells me about one time when my dad was driving, she was listening to the radio and Rihanna’s song Umbrella comes on:
Rihanna: You can stand under my umbrella, ella, eh eh eh..
Dad: B B C C
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This was a conversation between my sister and my dad. She was in high school and was talking about getting a car.
Sister: Dad, there’s a kid at my school that has an Escalade.
Dad: Escalade?
Sister: Yeah Escalade.
Dad: …. (stares)
Sister: You know what that is right?
Dad: yeah the thing you go up on…like in airports.
Sister: Dad, that’s an escalator…
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